Category Archives: Writing

A Burnie Tale – Charlotte

omalley2

It was a shock. I breasted the final dune, surveyed the strand to the east and saw her. She was the first person I had witnessed actually bathing – practically the first person on the beach full stop, apart from some fishing types occasionally up at the heads. I was used to having the long arc of pristine white sand, stretching all the way around Ringarooma Bay, to myself. She was close enough for a discrete camera shot, drying herself after her dip. I liked having figures in my landscapes, but was very wary being targeted as some sort of of infringer of privacy, or worst, a ‘perv’. But I felt relatively non-intrusive in this situation, with my long lens fully in use, so I captured ‘Black Bikini Woman’.

Still, it felt odd her being there. I hadn’t noticed her passing through the camp-site, as the fishermen had, earlier. As I commenced my perambulation to the west, I wondered how she had arrived to be there. For the fist time in a long while I started to feel some elation – elation that I had spotted and photographed her. I hadn’t felt that way for quite some time. It felt good and I now felt certain that I could end my self imposed exile. I had a room booked for the following night. After that, I would commence the journey south, back into my life.

In truth, though, I hadn’t been totally isolated. Occasional people braved the track in and frequented the camping area where I was trying my best to be a hermit. I resented it to start with; now I was less irked. These intruders were either passing through to drop a line in the estuary, or they’d put up a tent to spend a day or two. They’d wander off to explore the dunes, just as I did with my downtime. With these ‘interlopers’ I was polite if approached for a chat, but I never initiated and kept to myself. I went into Gladstone for supplies, and even once down to St Helens. This broke the monotony, but largely I spent the summer with my words and my own thoughts, reflecting back on the hand dealt me. I felt it had been a long journey – but especially after the woman on the beach – I was ready.

Strike One to the Heart
I’d grown up on the opposite northern coastline, separated from my litterol of temporary residence by the Tamar, in a provincial town that falsely flattered itself that it was a city. It was a good childhood with loving parents, but by the time uni came around I was ready to move south. My schooling was over, with some academic success, leading to a first year of tertiary study being a doddle. Thereafter it became harder and I struggled to keep my head above water. At the end of my sophomore year I dropped a subject, requiring me to resit the exam in question before the commencement of the university’s autumn term. I spent Christmas with my folks and then returned to Hobs. The campus, I found, was very different to term time – devoid of students; mainly populated by academics and administrators. I found a niche in the library to call my own, put my head down and did what was required of me to pass the ordeal. I soon realised I’d allowed myself too much time before the exam, so I began to ease off, looking around for a distraction. None of my usual crowd had yet returned so, in the end, the needed diversion turned out to be Tori. I’d noticed her on several occasions, doing essentially what I was, preparing for a sup, as these examinations were referred to. On this particular evening it happened that there were only the two of us on one of the upper floors of our ‘prison’, the library, so I sauntered over. With as much of a casual air as I could muster, I informed her that, if she felt like a break, with some company, at any stage, to let me know. In truth I wasn’t a ‘player’, it being something out of character for me to make the approach. Realising how lonely I was, this time I threw caution to the wind. I’d had a few relationships at school, so I was no virgin, but my uni days so far had been marked by a conspicuous lack of action on the female front.

To my delight the young lady in question smiled and accepted my invitation. Half an hour or so later she came jauntily over to me and said something to the effect that she was done for the night. She informed me, with a twinkle in her eye, that she lived on campus but, if I had a car, we could go down to the Bay – Sandy Bay – for a coffee. She seemed very trusting, along with being, I soon discovered, very voluble to boot. From the moment she stepped into my vintage Vauxhall till the instant I drained the last dregs of my coffee, she was like a wind-up doll – prattle, prattle, prattle. But I liked that. I wasn’t shy, so much as reserved, by nature, so I was happy to let her chatter on.

When I returned her to the front door of her college she surprised me by slipping across the front bench seat of my old bus towards me. She placed her hands on either side of my face and planted a kiss on me – not just a peck – it was an enthusiastic ‘pash’, tongue and all. ‘That was fun,’ I remember her saying. ‘Can we do it again tomorrow?’ Could we what!

We became an item and I was soon well and truly in her thrall. Tori, like me, was studying arts – but for her librarianship was the goal. She was Chinese Australian, but I suspect her ancestors had been here since the gold rushes the way she rabbited on. She was finely built – boyish actually – with almond eyes and sleek jet black hair. For this lad from the sticks, she was exotic in the extreme. She was no novice in the sack either, but for her sex had to be carried out the same way she lived life – at full tilt. As soon as I was satisfied off she hopped – the dominant position was always her forte without variation – and she would immediately get on with her routines. If it was after we retired for the night, the instant we finished she’d turn over and be out for the count. It never occurred to her some mutual pleasure might be involved – hers – and just shrugged me off when I suggested ‘stuff” we could do to make that possible. Still, I couldn’t help but love Tori. I loved her to bits – so much zest for life; so much energy. She adored partying; she adored dancing and she adored gossip. In those regards we were yin and yang. From the moment of that first kiss I think I knew we were destined for marriage. She didn’t seem to have a problem with that. And, yes, we both passed our sups!

Time cruised on by – and I was in a very happy place. It was all perfect – well almost. Tori was attacking life like a she-tiger defending her cubs. We gained our degrees and scouted around for job opportunities. In those days they were not difficult to find. As her family were Melburnians, we decided to move back to my home town – closer to the Mainland – and soon her parents put on a lavish wedding for us in Yarra City. They even took on the expense of flying my family over. We then settled into provincial life – me at one of the high schools, she at the regional library.

In those early years I didn’t have much to complain about. Tori and I had an active social life, there was only a modicum of stress involved in our vocations and my wife was loved by all. She confronted childbearing like everything else – with a full head of steam. Whilst trying to fall pregnant with number one she was insatiable. But now sex was even more perfunctory; clinical almost. It gave me no pleasure and she seemed to have no time for pleasure. It wasn’t too long before our son Jack was born. It was a straight forward birth, despite the fact that she was a mere slip of a woman. Tori was fulsome in her praises for her gynaecologist. She claimed he was an angel making it so easy for her. Now I became the sole breadwinner but, as always, her oldies were ever generous, doting on their new grandson. We had a home of our own and very soon Tori was keen to add to our tiny nuclear family. It was the beginning of a new and wonderful life, but also turned out to be the end of one of mine.

I obviously didn’t twig way back then. Perhaps I should have. It seemed so obvious later on. She refused the services of Dr Alomes for this pregnancy, opting for the town’s only alternative. I found that a little strange, but I didn’t give it much thought as I found Alomes – a tall streak with bulbous eyes, thinning hair and constant dandruff – austere and distant. Again, there was the flurry to conceive. Once this was achieved I was relegated to the spare room. Again, despite my annoyance, she hadn’t changed with her affections towards me, so I accepted it. Once Kerryn came into the world, the girl we were both hoping for, Tori seemed to recede further away from me. I was still on the outer sexually, but I put that down to post-natal issues. Although I couldn’t fault her as a mother to our lad and little miss, it soon became obvious she was not the same vibrant, helter-skelter wife I had become used to. As we approached thirty, there was a distance between us I couldn’t put my finger on. When I raised the issue, I received the same old shrug and she went on with what she was doing.

The bolt from the blue came the very day after Kerryn turned one. We’d had a party for her, attended by Jack’s little mates as well. Everyone seemed happy; we all entered into the spirit of the occasion. The day after, I returned home to a cold, empty house – no heat; not the usual smell of the evening meal cooking away. She was gone, as were the two children. The house was devoid of any sign of them. I was gobsmacked; shell-shocked. It took me a while to gather my thoughts and hop into action. I rang around our friends. They denied any knowledge of the threesome’s whereabouts, but with a couple I sensed they weren’t entirely being kosher with me. It was her mother who eventually spilt the beans. Tori, Jack and Kerryn had moved into Alomes’ McMansion in what amounted to the posh part of town, such as it was. I later discovered a tad more about the affair. The good doctor had parted with his spouse a year or so beforehand to ‘wait’ for Tori. They had been involved from almost the day Jack arrived in the world; the fact that I was being cuckolded by Alomes was reasonably common knowledge about the traps. I felt humiliated and began to be obsessed with the fact that Kerryn may be his. As my darling girl was the dead spit of her mother, with Tori vehemently denying an alternate parentage, no genetic testing was possible. If it became a legal issue I knew who would win, so I tried to put it to the back of my mind. The thought lingers on to this day.

Of course it all hit me hard, but I was helped by a gradual softening of my ex-wife’s attitude once divorce papers were signed. We shared the kids almost equally – with my girl always happy to come to her dad. Jack was a mummy’s boy and that was occasionally a struggle. Life, though, became more tolerable. I threw my energies more into my teaching, took up photography as an outlet and knew I would survive.

Strike Two to the Heart
I was burnt, burnt badly by Tori – so I was very wary about dating again. It was then I discovered married women. Being in a small town a single bloke of a certain age was fair game. And that served my purpose. I had affairs – ten or so if I added them up on my fingers, depending on definition. They were mainly brief, all bar one without any strings. Through all this I discovered just how wonderful lovemaking could be – what I was missing out on with Tori. The women came in all shapes and sizes and I appreciated them all. They were good natured and just wanted some spice in their lives. But I fell for Bronnie though, I must admit. She was a pocket-sized Marilyn Monroe – very curvy and I adored her softness. She was adventurous as they come in the art of sending me to heaven – she was up for any suggestion. We seemed well suited; she loved the fact that I was turned on photographing her in something alluring, or nude. I was just starting to get attached when, sensing this, in a moment of frankness, she informed me I was only one of a number of lovers she had around the town, with her hubby knowing and accepting. She would never leave him. I lost interest after that and moved on. I had the photos though – I even took them to my north-eastern exile with me. Looking over them always bought a smile to my face recalling her free-spirited voluptuousness – even more so today. They were good times with her, fun times. I craved more of the same.

Around the mid-nineties Kerryn became too ‘difficult’ for her mother. Tori was soon insisting that I take on full responsibility for her and I was glad to comply. It turned out that, although Alomes had tried his best with her – there was no hint of any impropriety – his ‘creepy’ eyes spooked her and she found him ‘gross’. Once she moved in she seemed to settle down and I enjoyed her company. She turned a blind eye to the parade of women in my life, some of whom, being a small town, weren’t unknown to her. She knew well enough to be discrete. I don’t know if it was Kerryn in turn having a settling effect on me, but in truth I was tiring of my semi-dissolute life. In time something would get out with that undoubtedly having a negative impact on my teaching. My daughter was coming to the end of her primary schooling, so we made the mutual decision that the time was ripe for a change as the old century drew to its conclusion. Jack was now old enough to cope with that. He was close to Alomes – in fact he begrudged his time with me. I respected the man for his relationship with my son. Jack still doted on his mother as well. I weighed it all up and in the end applied for a transfer to Hobart. I’d served my time in the provinces.

Money was a little tight to start with and my job suddenly became harder now I was teaching savvy city kids. So I took a chance and moved to the private system and I soon started to thrive. Before I could blink an eye, I was running the humanities department in a Catholic girls’ school and I was in clover. I was also developing my own writing – if you taught it you had to walk the walk, or so I believed. I started off with stories and opinion pieces, with some, to my surprise, actually being published in local journals. I started to think there was a novel in me – if only I could hit on a winning theme.

Then Cora entered my world. Tall, dynamic and confidant – she enrolled in an Adult Ed class in creative writing I was taking at the time. She initially hoped it would assist her in tizzying up her research findings for scientific journals. After a couple of lessons she soon realised it wouldn’t; so one evening she waited after class to tell me she would not be back. In recompense she invited me for coffee – again down the Bay, so perhaps I should have been warned. I discovered she was a biologist at the Antarctic Centre, specialising in plankton – what else? We soon found we shared passion for the type of films shown at the city’s iconic (and only) art house cinema, the State. I commented that it was remarkable that in all the times I had been there I hadn’t laid eyes on her. If I had, I certainly would have remembered. Cora was striking in appearance – you couldn’t miss her. She was a willowy redhead in her mid-forties – and with her unruly mop of hair, signature hippy skirts and the type of jumpers now popular again thanks to ‘The Killing’s’ Sarah Lund – she’d turn heads in any crowd. Turns out she was a night time frequenter of the movie house in question, I preferred the early sessions. She was also into photography – so a perfect match?

We talked on that evening. I discovered she resided in a large house on the flanks of Mt Wellington, near Ferntree, with half a dozen other semi-alternative women. My gaydar was out, but she just laughed and stated she was strictly hetero, although a couple of others were in same-sex relationships. Coquettishly, with a twinkle in her eye, she commented that she was between engagements at that present place in time. As night followed day I responded to the implied invitation and asked her to accompany me, in the evening, to see the latest French-Canadian offering at the cinema. The answer was to my satisfaction.

Of course that was the start. We were soon lovers, with Kerryn wholeheartedly approving, for at least she was available. But it was all strictly on Cora’s terms. She would spend her week days at work and on the mountain, only coming down if there was something really special for which either of us required partnering. As for the weekends, then she was all mine. Friday night would usually find us at the State. Saturdays we’d be up early, down to Salamanca Market for supplies, followed by driving off to capture something with our cameras. Tasmania was special in this regard – there was always something to point a lens at. In the warmer weather it would be landscapes, with Cora a willing model, unclad if the setting was suitably private. With her hair, fulsome breasts and alabaster body the camera loved her – as I did. With her around I had no problems with figures in landscapes. My camera couldn’t get enough of her.

Sundays would find us sampling the local eateries, or improving our own culinary skills. The apex of the weekends, though, were Sunday nights. In my bedroom candles would glow and pungent smells would emit from an incense burner. It was massage time. Cora would be adorned in something to titillate, or nothing at all. She would proceed to send me to bliss-out with her hands and sensuous oils. Mutually satisfying love-making would ensue. Occasionally, she would also make love to my camera if she was in the mood. I was living the dream – I should have known it was too good to be true. After a couple of years of this, along came Charlotte. Boy, was she a different kettle of fish!

Strike Three to the Heart – and Out?

My father was a skilled bushman. He had to be to survive a Depression upbringing, making it through those flint-hard, frost-riven winters down the Huon. Growing up he knew how to snare rabbit and wallaby, tickle mountain trout and cajole lobsters from their watery lairs. He carried those practices into adulthood and was still supplementing our diets as kids with these skills on the North West Coast.

It was he who discovered Boobyalla. My father loved the bush and was home in it; the more isolated, the better. He was always one for seeing where a road led, with one day it leading to Boobyalla. It was a ghost town – just a few tumbledown old tin-roofed sheds by the Ringarooma River. In its brief heyday it had been the port for the tin mines at nearby South Mt Cameron – but those times had long gone. The dunes between it and the sea rivalled those of the Henty on the West Coast, being where my father discovered a sort of treasure – ‘driftwood’ as he called it. I doubt if this wood had touched the sea – rather his ‘treasure’ were the remains of ancient timber sculptured into fantastical effects by the power of wind and sand. These extra-ordinary finds for him represented both art and hopefully financial gain to add to his meagre earnings as a busman. He bought them home by the station wagon loadful, varnished them to a sheen and highlighted their best features in gold paint. He then had them mounted for display and for a short while they were the rage of the town. Today they would probably be regarded as kitsch – but who knows; in the future, if they are still around, they may come back in vogue.

When my brother and I reached our teens we were introduced to the Boobyalla dunes; the same sort of dunes that further west nowadays are raking in the tourist dollar as world standard golf links. I immediately could see my father’s attraction to this wild place, only infrequently visited by those in the know. With him we’d scour those sand-hills for my dad’s mother lode, hauling our unwieldy cargo on our backs to the sheds of the once river port. I can only recall a few incidents from this bygone time. I remember leading the old man back to camp; he weighted down by so much bounty he had a stout walking stick in hand to assist with balance. Suddenly said stick heavily thwacked down beside me with a mighty force, for my father was an exceedingly strong man. I froze and looked down to see a writhing tiger snake, of considerable length, in close proximity to my legs. He trod on it just behind the head and finally dispatched it with a few more solid blows. ‘It’s autumn son,’ he casually stated. ‘Breeding season. They’ll come at you then.’ On another occasion he took my brother and I out shooting. Spotting a flash of grey out of the corner of his eye, my huntsman father. spun around and with deadly aim fired off a shot. It wasn’t a wallaby as expected, but some form of large water bird – a crane perhaps. I’ll never forgot the look in his eye as he realised his error – one kills for tucker, not for sport.

I clearly remember the magnificence of the dunes with the early morning, or late afternoon, light on them. I remember the calcified forests we found – the stumps of trees covered in aeons-old, solidified, wind-hurled sand. We’d camp under the stars and we listened to my father’s yarns as the billy boiled. I loved telling my students yarns during my teaching; I love telling yarns in print. That, I know, comes from him. Back then I wanted to be like him when I grew up. That only happened in subtle ways. My brother had the privilege of most of his genes – but I received some important bits. They were good times with him; they were fun times.

The turn of the millennium came and went with Cora and I relatively happy in our routines. I was still smitten – still worshipped her mind and her body. She, though, was not one for committing, refusing point blank to take our relationship to a more formal level. Living with me was out of the question, despite my occasional pleas – but then Charlotte happened.

We rarely deviated from the State for our cinema viewings, but back in 2003 came a film that was generating much heat at the multiplexes and we went along to see it. From it came the nub of an idea for a novel. The film was ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’. Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom were swinging from the rigging and it was fun. It seemed pirates were the flavour on the month and it hit me – was there room in the literary pantheon for a female take on these ‘Robin Hoods’ of the seas? I then recalled something I had read years back, tucked away in the recesses of my synapses. Tasmania had a female pirate, albeit somewhat lesser known than Jack Sparrow. But using the Keith Richards’ inspired character as my template, perhaps I could hit the jackpot with a feminine interpretation. I’d recapture the whimsy of that film, set it in the southern seas, loosely basing it around the facts of a stunningly beautiful woman done wrong and forced into acts of piracy. I’d spin a great yarn – in the same way my dad spun them years ago by the camp-fire at Boobyalla. That would work, wouldn’t it?

And my research led me to Charlotte. Born in 1788, Charlotte Badger was transported to Van Dieman’s Land on the good ship Venus in 1806, after a brief stay in Sydney Town. When the ship dropped anchor at Port Dalrymple, near the Tamar Heads, she helped lead a mutiny. Dressed as a man, she pistol-whipped the ship’s captain and assumed control, raided another vessel for supplies and sailed east, across the Tasman. It is known that she took a lover on the voyage, disposed of him at the Bay of Islands, Kiwiland, in turn taking up with a Maori chief. She also spent time on Tonga before making her way to Spanish California. What a tale – I was on a winner. I set to with Cora and Kerryn’s encouragement, whipping up an exhilarating start, or so I thought. I soon found, though, with all my other commitments, that progress became increasingly laboured as time went on.

Then one Friday night, at the North Hobart cafe where we usually rendezvoused when Cora came down off the mountain for the week’s cinematic offering, she was a no show. This was out of character, so I was immediately concerned. I rang several times to no response. I drove up to her ‘commune’ under Wellington – but felt foolish – and drove back down again. There would be some logical explanation on the morrow – surely! Despite repeated calls on Saturday, there was still no word, so on Sunday I took the bit between the teeth and drove back up the mountain; for real this time. I barely knew her house-mates – that was part of her ‘other’ life. I rang the doorbell and it was answered by a large, butch lady whom I think was named Eve. She straddled the doorway with the clear intention of preventing my entry, folded her floppy arms over her ample bosoms and uttered something to the effect – ‘I think it would be in your best interests to leave the premises’, slamming the door on my face. I knocked, I called out – but in the end I had no alternative. I did as she said.

Eventually Cora broke it off the old-fashioned way – by letter. She’d met someone – at her work. ‘It was karma. It was meant to be.’ She informed me he was a young American, new to her research team. She consoled me by stating that it had been fun, but she felt it had run its course. She’d make arrangements for one of her friends to collect the few belongings she kept at my place. That’s all she wrote!

Dumped for a second time around – or sort of the third, if Bronnie was included – it still hurt. Initially, with Kerryn’s unfailing optimism and my work, I knew I could cope. It wouldn’t knock me as much as Tori had. Eventually my colleagues at school started issuing invitations, even trying to ‘set me up’ on a few occasions, once they realised I was single again, perhaps out of sympathy. Then, as the school year started to wind down, I began to unravel. My beautiful daughter soon picked up on that. She had grown into a stunning young woman in the image of her mother. I didn’t want her worrying, especially as she was now in a relationship herself with a fine fellow, a lawyer hailing from our old home town. She did her best to keep me buoyant suggesting, just like all those years ago and the move south, that I should think about a circuit-breaker. ‘What happened to that novel you were writing, Dad? How about having a go at finishing it, to take your mind off things, over the summer?’

‘Charlotte! I’ll finish Charlotte,’ I thought to myself. But I’d need to get away to do that. I couldn’t stand staying in Hobs over the break with all the stuff that would remind me of times with Cora. That’s when it hit me – Boobyalla!

I knew the house would be fine with Kerryn. I hired a camper-trailer, attached it to my car and headed north a couple of days after school was over for 2008. The track in from Gladstone was as shit awful as I remembered it, but arriving at the still standing sheds, with the dunes hued golden in the last rays of the sun, I knew I’d made the correct decision. I could heal here, hopefully having something to show for it at the end of my stay. That first night I didn’t bother with the bunk, just hauled a mattress out under the stars. I lit a fire and boiled the billy, just as my dad and I did way back when. I had the best sleep I’d managed since Cora’s leaving.

The next morning, refreshed after a dip in the river, I stated plugging away on the laptop again. Soon I realised I had my writing mojo back. Charlotte engaged in swashbuckling sword-fight after swashbuckling sex exploit after swashbuckling pillagery- all the way across the Pacific from the Kiwi Isles to the Californian gold rushes. She fought Fijian head-hunters, married a Tongan prince, caught up with the descendants of Fletcher Christian and their topless wahines in Tahiti and led the rebels in the Mexican War of Independence. One day, after restocking back in the little town, I took another pretty ordinary trail to the north-eastern tip of the island – Cape Portland. As I stood atop of the furtherest point I imagined Charlotte and her motley crew sailing past that very location on their way to the adventures I was busy recording into my hard drive. Up there, in a stiff breeze, I plotted how she would meet her demise in the final chapters, being careful to leave a door open in case world wide acclaim demanded a sequel. I fantasised what I would do with the squillions I would earn for the film rights. As the sun set I ran through all the young actresses I knew and finally landed on the up and coming Gemma Aterton as the perfect choice for my feisty heroine – even if, in the literature, the real Charlotte is described as a stout, uncomely, toothless harridan. Driving back to my camp that night, as I dodged light-bedazzled roo and possum, I knew I was me again – my Hobart life was starting to call me home.

Soon after the apparition on the beach that was ‘Black Bikini Woman’, I packed up my temporary summer home and drove back to Gladstone – to its only pub, which hopefully possessed a room with a comfortable bed and hot shower. A friendly guy welcomed me in and said that, as I was the only guest, I was welcome to dine with his wife and he in the family quarters later that evening. So, after ablutions and finally feeling half human again, I went along the corridor to the door marked ‘private’ and knocked. Opening it was my apparition, ‘Black Bikini Woman’, or at least I thought it was. She greeted me with a smile bright enough to light up the moonless nights of purgatory and she beckoned me in. She was considerably younger than I – somewhere in her thirties, but I instantly felt a frisson. As her husband, introduced to me as Gary, cooked, she opened a bottle of red. If she gave me her name, I didn’t catch it. We settled down to roast lamb; they gave me their provenance, I gave my back story – even my misfortunes with Tori and Cora. As the evening wore on I became more buoyant, assisted by a second bottle. Eventually Gary had had enough, made his excuses and retired, leaving me with his now half sozzled missus. So then I had to ask the question, was she indeed ‘Black Bikini Woman’?

‘How do you know that?’ she chortled. I told her, even the bit about the photograph. She wasn’t upset, in fact she laughed. When I explained how taking the image of her on that beach had made me feel, she placed her hand on mine and said, ‘I’m glad.’ She explained that whenever she could get away and the weather was right, she would paddle her kayak down to near the heads, walk along the sand and swim in the briny – thus explaining my confusion as to how she came to be there. She claimed this kept her sane in such a place. Then it was time to say goodnight. I proffered my thanks and she walked me to the door. As I was about to leave she gently pulled me towards her and kissed me. No, it wasn’t a full throttle affair like that long time ago kiss from Tori – it was just a peck on the cheek. But it was enough. With that I knew I was moving on. I could be open to possibility again.

And no, there was no knock on my door in the middle of the night. I wasn’t really expecting it. I knew the beautiful, raven-haired woman in the black bikini would not be coming to seduce me. Still I had a fitful night’s sleep full of erotic thoughts. It seemed I had my mojo back in that regard as well. It was Gary who saw me off the next morning apologising for his spouse. ‘She’s sleeping it off,’ he explained, rolling his eyes. He bade me ‘safe journey’ as I turned on the ignition and pointed the bonnet south.

A New Innings
I am now in my early sixties. I’m content. As for Charlotte? Well I spruiked her around to the best of my ability with Kerryn’s help. She had beaten me to the gun and was about to publish her first novel for young people. But the same refrain kept coming back from publishers – if it wasn’t about wizards or vampires they weren’t interested. Nobody wanted pirates now, even if Hollywood churned out a few tired sequels to what had inspired me in the first place. So I went back to my shorter pieces and managed to find homes now and again for those, happy in the knowledge I had at least passed the writing gene on. But Charlotte had served her purpose. She and ‘Black Bikini Woman’ had got me back from a tough place – and I never did discover the name of the latter!

Life moves on and so does love, thanks to the marvels of the internet. One night, after a few reds, on a whim, I went on-line and tracked down Bronnie. It was easy – you know – Facebook. She was still resident in Burnie, recently widowed being, as it turned out, available for something to distract her from her ‘grief’. That salve turned out to be me. And, yes, we are still together – sort of. She refuses to budge from that town and I could never face the possibility of returning. So we are ‘bi-coastal’ and it seems to work. I go up for weeks at a time now that I’m retired, with Bronnie returning the favour. We have our down time and yes, to the best of my knowledge, I am the only one. She reckons she’s too old for that nonsense these days.

Alomes also passed away several years back and Tori returned to Melbourne to be with her aged parents. We have taken to corresponding with each other in that lovely retro manner of letters. She keeps me appraised with Jack, and I her with Kerryn. Jack is gay, happy in a relationship but we have never resolved our differences, whatever they may be. It is the only black cloud in my life. Kerryn and her lawyer have now set up home together too – but she more than once has refused his entreaties to make him an honest man. I like him. He makes me laugh. Tori and I dine together whenever I am in Yarra City, or she in Hobs visiting her daughter. She is still a striking woman, but with Bron, I know I am a lucky man. There might not be the fireworks of yesteryear, but what I have with her is pretty special. As for Cora, I have never set eyes on her again, even in a small city like our little capital. Maybe she’s moved away. It took me quite a while to venture back to the State, but now I am a regular again. Kerryn is about to make me a grandfather and I cannot wait to have something new in my life to adore.

omalley2

I can look back over my life and be glass half full about it all now – my father’s yarns; ‘Black Bikini Woman’; Tori’s sleek excitability; Cora’s fire and now Bronnie’s soft warmth – all have left an indelible mark. As, of course, have Boobyalla and Charlotte.

Of Faded Charm and Chopsticks – Some Melbourne Vignettes

SONY DSC

Looking back over this life of sixty plus years, it certainly hasn’t been one frequently punctured by the pleasures of overseas travel. This is not a matter of regret and I am not about to use the time that She up there has deigned left to me in a frenzied bout of making up for lost time, even if I possessed the funds. I am resigned to the fact that I will probably not make it back to Europe. Some folk do not get to go in a lifetime – let alone twice! It was a great ambition once upon a time to see India. Now I’ll just follow Rick Stein and his ilk around. I had an urge to see those misty, remarkable mountains of Guilin. It is not likely now, but who knows? These were once resident on my vague bucket list – but I am too content with life in general, living a blissful existence with my beautiful DLP (Darling Loving Partner) by the river, to be unduly concerned with ticking off life ambitions. I have hopes for the more moderate goal of returning to Bali, the most recent of my out-of-Oz experiences. I loved that place. New Zealand is a maybe, as is Thailand – but they’re not absolutely non-negotiable musts. These days, essentially, my horizons are smaller and largely revolve around my own wide brown land – with a cruise or two still a possibility. My son and his partner are heading off to Europe in the new year and I am content to live vicariously through them, as I did when my daughter/son-in-law did the same not so long ago. My recall of the details of my own double feature there are very vague – it was so long ago now. The same could be said for the short time I had in Hong Kong way back before the handover, my only other external sojourn. From that adventure I remember an aborted landing – our descent into the old airport, on the Cathy Pacific jumbo, between the residential towers, was too fast according to our captain whom, as soon as wheels touched tarmac, banked us sharply back up into the stratosphere again. It was second time lucky. I remember a trip into the New Territories to stare at China – as you did back then; the crowds of humanity on the island and the pleasures of the Star Ferries. I wended my way somehow up to the top of Victoria Peak and there were a couple of very fine partakings of tucker I recall with some fondness. The memory that is strongest though, still featuring in my Bruegelesque nightmares, is of another dining experience, far from very fine, in which I was, inadvertently, the main attraction. The incident came back to haunt me one night in China Town, on our recent trip across the briny to Yarra City.

Trips to Melbourne are always such a joy. The pleasure is doubled when I am accompanied by my treasured DLP. For me there are a few constants in every trip – a wander in the environs of Brunswick and/or Smith Streets, the friendliness of Melburnians – possibly relishing the fact they reside in the world’s most liveable metropolis – and the smiles, together with the readiness to chat, of a plethora of beautiful women behind the tills of numerous frequented retail outlets.

Our home for the duration of the stay was DLP’s recommendation, the Crossley, on Little Bourke (No51). It could be described as a mid-range hostelry, perfectly adequate with a courteous reception staff. It did have the slightly faded feel that I am quite drawn to. There were two features I loved – firstly the framed vintage photography on its walls. And then there was the deep, substantial bath in our room, enabling me to get a ‘proper’ start to the day. This is not always possible staying away from home. I’d certainly consider the Crossley for future trips. It took a little while to get my bearings that side of the CBD, so used am I to staying the Spencer Street end, but that initial afternoon we were soon making our way to our first objective – the Exhibition Building. We stopped for more than satisfactory libations at Trunk Diner (No151 Exhibition) en route. Our aim was the annual Design Show and, although the exhibits didn’t disappoint, it was extremely crowded and overly warm – a hothouse. DLP beat a reasonably quick retreat but I persevered a while longer and picked up a few bibs and bobs. It did showcase that the local mob are a talented bunch. It was later, on our first evening that my Honkers bad dream came flooding back to haunt me.

DLP had another suggestion to enhance our trip, this time for our dining that night. As a result of her own visits, not accompanied by her biggest fan, she knew that just across the road from the hotel was the Shark Fin Inn City Restaurant (No50). We stepped out and hand in hand we entered a dining area that, in décor, had seen better days. As the night proceeded it proved it was still a popular venue. One wall was festooned with certificates, all from the eighties, mainly consisting of Age Good Dining Awards for an Asian restaurant. This, for some reason, made me feel somewhat uneasy, as did the number of hovering waiters, all of male persuasion. Without giving it perhaps the thought I should have, considering my vague feelings of discomfit, I ordered duck accompanied by, as there were only chopsticks to be seen, cutlery. Let me say from the get go that I adore duck and the one offered by this culinary establishment was succulently moist, sublimely delicious. That wasn’t the problem. I was having an attack of deja vu. I felt every eye in the room on me. Now I am useless with chopsticks and when in the past (coming to that) I’ve wielded them, there’s been embarrassingly far more spillage on tablecloths than actual food entering the appropriate orifice. And of late I have been lulled into a false sense of security by my Chinese noshing experiences in Devonport. No, I hadn’t thought it all through so eager was I to have a bird in Melbourne.

It has become somewhat of a tradition to celebrate DLP’s mother’s birthday at the China Garden, King Street, just before Christmas. It is a low-key type of place that offers a duck only slightly less well produced than the Shark Fin variety I experienced that first Melbourne eve. By the Mersey there are no tuxedoed maitre d’s hovering and I am comfortable handling my menu choice with greasy fingers. No-one bats an eye. I should have recalled that the bony nature of duck does not lend itself to manipulation by western implements. At the Shark Fin I was soon in trouble. Sure enough, an eagle-eyed waiter, noticing my futile attempts to get meat to part from bone, was soon rushing over to ask if all was to my satisfaction. I hurriedly gave him positive assurances, but by now sweat was starting to appear on my brow. I know this China Town venue was a world away, in time and location, from what occurred to me back in the day when the Shark Fin was in its pomp, but that didn’t help.

The brochure extolled this off shore island’s charm, describing it as a throwback to traditional Chinese life – and just a short ferry trip away from the glamour and glitz of Kowloon. I was tempted and signed up. Into the South China Sea the little conveyance ploughed and after a short time, I was there. It certainly was different with its ramshackle water frontage forming an arc around its harbour. I alighted from my transportation at the jetty and indeed was seemingly injected into another era. It was teeming with people too, but these beings were entirely made up of what could only be described as the ‘peasant’ class. I poked and prodded around a few tawdry shops specialising in faded tourist tat before deciding I would need to while away time, before the return ferry, at some form of eatery – and I was feeling peckish. I had already concluded that there were few, if any, English speakers around and the signage was entirely in Chinese. There were no helpful translations as in cosmopolitan HK. I soon found a dining hut that was close to full of frugally attired locals tucking in– always a good indicator of worth. I entered to be greeted by a cacophony of noise. This abated as the locals spotted me. As the hush intensified every diner turned to face me, mouths agape. I concluded occidentals were a rare species on the island. A wizened old man came over, bowing obsequiously with every step. He ushered me to a centrally located table – all the better for the floor show that was to occur all too soon – and handed me a blackened, well creased sheet of paper, all in indecipherable characters – obviously the menu. I stared with incomprehension. ‘English?’ I shakily inquired. My host looked at me with widened eyes, shrugged his shoulders and pointed at a line on the ‘bill of fare’. I took this to be a suggestion and nodded vigorously. He gave me a toothless smile and backed away, bowing as furiously as when he had first attended me. Gradually, as I waited, the surrounding masses returned to their own repast and conversations. Very soon my choice arrived. I had no idea what it was. By now the silence around me was renewed as every eye again focussed on myself and whatever it was plated afore me. The waiter then thrust some chopsticks at me. I shook my head at the offending objects and even though I knew the outcome, I hopefully uttered, ‘Cutlery? Knife? Fork?’ The old man’s mouth fell open and he offered a blank look in return, so I proceeded to mime the action I presumed to be a reasonable imitation of non-oriental engagement with a plate of food. His eyes widened and he beat a hasty return to the kitchen, throwing the wooden sticks at me. A deathly hush fell over the place. This was right royal, if perplexing, entertainment. I knew I had flummoxed the waiter and now I had a conundrum. The locals were settling back to watch what would develop.

On my plate I spied a piece of meat of indeterminate provenance with a splinter of bone protruding. I felt that would be as good a starting point as any so I reached out with fingers poised to pluck it away from my plate and transport it to my mouth. On realising what I was about to do a frantic ululation arose from the horrified citizens around me, to the degree that I was soon in no doubt that to continue with this course of action would cause immense injury to their cultural sensitivities. This explains my reticence to do the same on that Melbourne eve thirty years on. I decided to then move to Plan B, with the only problem being – I didn’t have one. Thankfully a young lady arose from her seat nearby and ventured across to me. For the next few minutes she gave me a crash course in the correct manual manipulation of those two prongs of oriental torture. By the end of my schooling others had joined her and seemed to be offering advice as well, not that I could understand any of their helpful hints. But following my rescuer’s lead, I decided to at least give it a go. By now practically the whole clientele of the restaurant, staff included, were ogling me from the sidelines, absorbed in proceedings. I was sweating profusely with the stress of it all, my hands shaking as I took hold of the chopsticks and endeavoured to get a morsel to its destination. When, eventually, after many futile attempts, I managed to do so, there were audible murmurs of delight from the assembled eggers-on. Most tries failed. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed money was changing hands. The Chinese were actually betting on the outcome of each attempt! Gradually more success came my way, to be greeted by back-slaps and a few cheers. By now I could see the funny side of all this and felt more at ease with an audience, but still little progress was being made in terms of the gruel still remaining to be dealt with. I was even in danger of missing the return boat to ‘civilisation’. This called for a more determined attack, so throwing caution to the wind, I raised the plate to my face, placed its rim against my chin and stated using the implements more in the nature of a shovel. I started pushing the glistening mass into my masticating mouth. This was more like it and didn’t seem to offend, so eventually I finished to the applause of an appreciative throng. There were more pats on the back and proffered hands. I left monies and quickly made my exit, receiving copious bows. They appreciated the colour I had added to their day. I was relieved the ordeal, although good-natured, was over.

Returning to the Shark Fin, as the night wore on, with the tables beginning to fill, those on patrol became less of a concern. I was able to surreptitiously use my digits. This chopstick-a-phobe had learnt a valuable lesson and I will return to the Shark Fin, if only to prove a point to myself. And, dear reader, my DLP has now had two tasty meals there as well so, if more adept than I in the usage of chopsticks, do venture there. Personally, next time I will not order duck.

DLP, on a roll, also selected the dining venue for the following night – the Spaghetti Tree up the Parliament end of Bourke (No59). It was not my first time at that eatery – I worked out I’d been before, shortly after its opening – thirty-five years previously. Back then it was the place to go for pasta. In the decades since it has certainly faded too – not some shiny minimalist hipster joint this! My generous portion of excellent lasagne was just what the doctor ordered after the rigours of the previous night, although our waiter seemed a bit perplexed that I preferred the hand-cut chips to go with the meal rather than wedges. Still, with fast, smiling and efficient service, it wouldn’t be decades before I returned again.

Melbourne Now is a varied exhibition, seemingly taking its cue somewhat from the MONA model. Spread across the two NGVs, its free and well worth a couple of hours time. Again, the artistic talent/legacy of the city old Bearbrass has become is to the fore. Redolent of the faded charms of the Jazz Age are the slightly fuzzy, but exceedingly stunning images produced by Edward Steichen to showcase it in the pages of Vogue and Vanity Fair back in the day. On show at the St Kilda Road gallery, the accompanying art deco dresses displayed are just as impressive. I had high hopes, but less alluring for me was ‘Spectacle:The Music Video Exhibition’ at ACMI, Fed Square. I expected a visual trip down memory lane. There was some nostalgia there, but much of the music it showcased had passed me by. Not so at the Mushroom memorabilia housed temporarily at the RMIT Gallery, the top end of Swanston Street. I was back in ‘Countdown’ heaven.

We had just alighted from the 112 to Brunswick Street and down it came – pluvial rainfall. We were attired for summer so DLP quickly had to make some waterproofing purchases. A visit to Klein’s Perfumery (No313) is always a must, as is now Zetta Florence (No197B), just about my favourite Melbourne shopping experience. The outpouring from the heavens didn’t let up all day, meaning that negotiating often narrow CBD side-walks can be eye-threatening when the pointy end of umbrellas are aimed directly at you. The danger ramps up to extreme when, in their other hand, uber-cool pedestrians are manipulating digital devices, thus having little focus on the dangers their sodden parasols pose to oncoming foot traffic.

There were other highlights – the pine trees artfully arranged in Federation Square for Christmas; a delightfully befuddled waiter at Spigo (Menzies Alley, Melbourne Central) on his first day on the job as we breakfasted one morning; sojourning along a sunny Acland Street; assisting Asian visitors with ‘selfies’ and of course, at this time of year, the expressions on the young when viewing the Myer windows.

Earlier this year I shook the hand of three of my heroes – the brothers Flanagan and Luka Bloom, at separate events. I would have been satisfied with that, but with Melbourne came the icing on the cake for 2013! Who should I stumble across waiting alone patiently for a promotion event to commence in the environs of Fed Square but the great Archie Roach. Knowing an opportunity to meet the man whose music has so enhanced my life would probably never occur for me again, I approached and asked for a handshake. He cordially complied and was also generous enough to scribble a couple of autographs, one for myself and another for my beautiful daughter. Let alone all of the above, this would have been enough to make another Melbourne visit special. I’ll never tire of this city – the rest of the world can wait.

SONY DSC

A Blue Room Book Review – The Light Between Oceans – ML Stedman

.light-between-ocean.

Have you heard the news out of Canada? For us Luddite inclined traditionalists it’s the harbinger of what’s to come. Canada now, it seems, is replacing its postmen and women with something called community mailboxes. No longer will the mail come to the householder – Canadians will have to go fetch their post! This, of course, is a response to the decline of paper items going through the system, caused by the lazy alternative of various forms of electronica – and without question the increasing greed for mega-profits in order to pay ‘those on high’ even more obscene bonuses for making social responsibility the victim of yet deeper cost cutting and price gouging. Mark my words – Auspost will go down the same route before too long. Despite the best efforts of myself and Marieke Hardy, with her crew, the days of the letter are numbered. Unlike parcels, enveloped communication has become increasingly unprofitable. Canada further intends dismaying its throwbacks, still of the view that putting pen to paper to record one’s news or thoughts for the pleasure of another, by increasing the cost of its postage stamps by almost double. It’s win/win you see – a great dip in the wages payout bill with a parallel increase in charges – the way of modern business. Bugger the poor beggars who will have to find new work, the elderly: the public in general!

Here in Oz it seems the demise of our mail deliverers, tootling around on their dinky little motor bikes in their hi-viz canary outfits, will be consigned, like so much else, to the trash cans of history. It was sad enough when the postmaster general forced them to eschew their whistles. Does my memory serve me correctly in that, during my lifetime, we once had twice daily deliveries, with a Saturday one thrown in as well? For this to disappear completely, what is the world coming to???

Believe it or not there is a tenuous link between this rant and the book under review. The occupation of the main protagonist in ‘The Light Between Oceans’ has already gone the way the fine cohorts of men and women who deliver us our daily post seem destined to as well. His job is now no longer required by the modern world, but well and truly existed during my earlier decades as being vital to the safety of those at sea. Yes, lighthouse keepers for decades and decades spent months, even years, perched on rocks around or off our coastlines, ensuring that shipping didn’t end up smashed into the same location. My island alone is renowned for the sagas of those public spirited men and their families who gave up so much to attend to the lights at places such as Eddystone Point, as well as Tasman, Deal and Maatsuyker Islands. In this novel we meet the keepers and women of Janus Rock, a precipitous outcrop straddling the divide between the Indian and Southern Oceans off the coast of Western Australia.

Stedman has come up with a ripper yarn of the several Sophie choices that befall one self-reliant couple entrusted to the maintenance of the beam on Janus (there is much significance in the author’s selection of name for this site of the novel’s core event) Rock. The man was mind-wounded by his experiences in the Great War – his missus a lass of stoic, strong-willed stock. Much shared happiness, despite their isolation, is chiselled away by a decision foisted on them by some flotsam washed up on their tiny island. The book has a strong start recounting the tale of the wooing by the feisty maiden who is salve to her war-damaged intended beau. This was bookended by an ending that produced a pair of misty eyes for this reader at the unfairness of the hand that can be dealt. The saga does flag somewhat in it’s middle stages, but as the guilt starts to play on the minds of our isolated, in both senses of the word, duo, the author really hits her straps.

‘The Light Between Oceans’ was generally well received by critics around the land, a tribute to the skills of this fresh writer with no back catalogue. For her longevity, the proof of the pudding, as always, will be the sophomore publication. With this engaging first try it augurs well. But for a novelist today, as with car makers, milk deliverers, small farmers and business people – and posties – a future in anything is no given.

M.L. Stedman

News article on Canadian Postal Service = http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2013/12/12/canada-mail-delivery/3995481/

An interview with ML Stedman = http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/books/interview-ml-stedman-20120322-1vkty.html

A 2013 Televsion Top Ten with Phryne Rant

I couldn’t believe it! Headlines in my city’s daily! ‘Essie’s Future a Mystery!’ One of the ABC’s top rating shows set for the chop! Why? Well it seems the hipsters at Auntie have decided that they want to appeal to a younger demographic, for goodness sake! The problem? The obscenity of the median age for an ABC viewer being a truly ancient, decrepit 63 – just a smidge more past it than your humble scribe! And here I was thinking that the baby boomers were a rich source for ratings power considering their largely expanding retiree status meaning more time for watching. We also largely eschew other platforms for viewing that those young, digital savvy groovers Auntie now intends to seduce embrace. For heavens sake ABC – your affectionate appellation says it all. Stick to what you know and do so well! The Ten Network attempted to do what you now deign as necessary and look where that has gotten them! Your about to be abandoned old codgers catapulted you ahead of them, ABC!
My DLP (for this scribbling my Discerning Loving Partner) and my dear mother love ‘Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries’ – and so they should! It is patently right up their street. The fact that I am not a fan is neither here nor there – it doesn’t mean I don’t recognise it for its virtues – along with such popular staples as ‘New Tricks’, ‘Doc Martin’ and ‘Call the Midwife’. These really pull in the punters, but seemingly the punters that those who ‘know all,’ responsible for programming at our national broadcaster, appear to want to shun – end of rant.

phryne

As for my Top Ten of the best television on our small screens this year, it comes with a proviso. There is much on view free to air that, for various reasons, usually associated with interminable ads and looseness with starting times, I prefer to watch when they emerge on DVD. These include such gems as ‘Mad Men’, ‘Game of Thrones’, ‘House of Cards’, ‘Offspring’, ‘Homeland’, ‘Boardwalk Empire’ and ‘Californication’. Those listed below I watch in real time or record to hard-drive. Most of them are shared with DLP, although she tends to be more wide-ranging in her tastes and more tolerant of commercial channels than I. So in reverse order are my choices for 2013:-

10. ‘The Dr Blake Mysteries’ – proving what an under-rated talent Craig McLachlan has been all these years
9. ‘Would I Lie To You’ – the magic combination of Brydon, Mitchell and Mack almost rival Hills, Brough and Warhurst for chemistry – had me in hysterics on many an occasion
8. ‘The Agony of Life’ – such a simple but brilliant premise featuring some of the comeliest women and erudite men on our screens – and bloody funny in places
7. ‘The Time of Our Lives’ – the ABC hasn’t gone completely bonkers as have recommissioned this for 2014. It matches the quality of some of the family dramas on the commercial networks
6. ‘Keating – The Interviews’ – Australia’s last big picture PM can still talk the talk and retains his mongrel
5.’It’s A Date’ – A beautiful confection of some of our country’s most telegenic personalities with the icing of the luscious Poh in her first acting role
4. ‘House Husbands’ – Yes, I know, the storylines are twee, thin and predictable but this show is all heart. Gary Sweet can manage a full range of emotions with just a facial tic, without uttering a word
3.’ Lillehammer’- the ugliest of leading men exudes dangerous charm in this blackest of black comedies
2. ‘Redfern Now’/’Broadchurch’ – the former produced sublime performances from our leading indigenous actors to ace even the high quality of the first series. The latter was simply riveting dragging me away from Friday night footy. They both had to be included and I couldn’t split them
1. Borgen – the new benchmark for political drama world wide, with simply the best leading lady so far this century

.

borgen-rules

 

HMs – ‘Derek’, ‘Gourmet Farmer’, ‘Downton Abbey’, ‘The Voice’ (guilty pleasure), ‘ The Last Leg‘/Adam Hills Tonight’

News Article on the demise of ‘Miss Fisher’ = http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/miss-fishers-murder-mysteries-under-a-cloud-as-abc-tries-to-broaden-audience/story-fnk8579h-1226783914103

 

Saving Santa? All in a Knight's Work

santa01

‘Oh no!’ cried Santa
‘This is a fine mess
What a pickle I am in
What a jam!
It’s a farrago of horrors
A terrible imbroglio!
What can I do? Oh woe is me!
Who can help me
With my conundrum?
It will soon be dawn
And no further can I proceed

Look! Look at my poor reindeer!
Look at mighty Rudolf’s
Once bright red snozzle
It has well and truly waned to puce
Blitzen’s stuffed. He’s blitzed!
Prancer has no dance
And woebegone Dancer can
Hardly raise a prance
And as for Donner and Cupid
Well they’re both entirely kaput
Comet, it seems, will never
Utter a comment again
What with his mouth so a-foaming
It’s completely apparent
they are all as spent as can be
And so will I be
And worse
If no solution can be found.

We’ve done Europe
And the two Americas
We are through with Asia
Major and Minor
Deliveries have been made
To the Pacific and Kiwiland
And Africa was a doddle
For my sleigh pulling team
But here we are
Stuck atop massive Uluru
Surrounded by all this
Horizon-less red distance
And they cannot go on
Simply cannot do it
And nor should they
But where are they?
Where can they possibly be?
With all those Aussie tots awaiting

Across the land they’ll soon awake
To find no presents (sob)
To confront empty stockings (sob)
To discover nothing under the tree (sob)
Surely those boomers are not at fault
They have never let me down afore
In all the time I have done this job
Always they are here,
Waiting on the monolith
To take the place of springless deer
My replacement team
For this final leg over Oz
My loyal six white boomers
Of whom there is no sign
So who will pull the sled till sun-up
Laden with gifts galore
For all good boys and girls?

There is but one chance. I know
Two fearless, tiny
Bravehearts. Only they
Will know what to do
They are my only hope, but
Where, oh where, is my sleighmobile?
What have I done with it?
If only I can locate it
There is still a chance for me’

And find his sleighmobile Santa did
So he placed a call to the pair
Two little mites so pure of heart
His only chance that this Christmas
Smiles will not be scarce
On the faces of Aussie kids

Down south in faraway Tassie
Two Yuletide weary Daddies
Did once more suit up
These two dynamic mini-knights
And once more they summoned
Old Whitebelly and that mighty
Flying fursty ferret steed
And with colander armour a-shining, and
With wooden sword and lance a waving,
Off flew our valiant, valiant mates
To face a suspected foe.

Those fiendish, gnarlish gnus, they knew
had been so quiet, so low profile
Of late
Could they be the cause of Santa’s crisis?
Tessa Tyger and LFM strongly
Felt that may be so.

Over Bass Strait they went
Their separate ways
One took the west coast
The other swerved towards the east
Brave, brave Bryn swooped
Across the Nullabor and on
Up to the Pilbara
And scouted around the Kimberley
Valkyrie Tyger surveyed the hazy ranges
Continuing to Mangoland and theTip
They met over Darwin, and then
South they scooted on
But alack and alas
Not a single snowy boomer
Did they espy!

Empty handed they descended
Back down to Uluru
All long faces and
Shrugging shoulders abounded, and
Of course, time stands still for
No-one, human or beast

Suddenly Tessa’s face lit up
Her febrile mind had hit on it
‘There’s one more place I know
Where they may be sought
And not too far away, we
May be okay even yet’

Up, up to a great height
Shot Santa’s minuscule trouble shooters
And from that elevated advantage
They cringed at a frightful sight
For across in the Pound –
That’s Wilpena Pound on the map
They spotted their quarry
Tethered and bound
Six white boomers were cowering, enslaved
About to be dinner for –
Well, you guessed it – a salivating
Posse of those evil creatures
Those vile, vexatious gnarlish gnus
Clutching in hooves some
Fearsome knives, to
Slice and dice our Santa’s
Formidable reserve team

santa02

Down came the courageous avian
With a flying ferret by her side
And just as those awful, awful
Putrid pestilence-ridden gnus
Were a-thinking of roo burgers
Doused in pepperberry sauce
They heard a fearful cacophony
From up above, and to flight
They did take. Off they
Scattered, into the desert
For they knew from battles past
They’d be no match gainst the
Will of Tessa Tyger Gordon
And her stout warrior pal, LFM

They unchained the boomers
Who then leapt to the skies
To save the day
For a despairing St Nick
Now he can finish his deliveries
That one and the same eve
And Christmas Downunder this day
Would go as per plan

Home flew our tired foursome
Home to bed and to dream
The dreams of all those who await
The sunrise on a special day
They’ll awake to gifts now discharged
They will awake to
Their Mummy and Daddy’s
Enduring love

We know them, these two
We know of their worth
We know the joy they give
We know they are gold
Beyond compare.

santa-uluru

2013 – Twelve Months in the Year of Wonder Weeks

This is the time of year I look forward to immensely. Summer is here; the Yuletide season, with its attendant pleasures of family, headlined by two treasured grandchildren, is soon to arrive. And I get to think mightily on the production of my annual Top 10’s, comparing them with my daughter’s. It is indulgent I know but, despite there being so many list-haters out there, it is a highlight. Some of you are probably saying ‘Get a Life’, but I assure you, my life is pretty damn fine at the moment thank you very much – and below are some of the reasons why. Yes, it is a list – a list of what rocked my world in 2013.

Month 1 -Remarkable. That’s the only word to describe her – just remarkable. In the last couple of months of 2013 Leigh has transformed the little abode by the river. The place I love has had a spruce up. It has now non-bouncy floors; new carpets – I am desperate not to be the first person to spill something on them; freshly minted built-ins and classy new items of furniture. Leigh drew it all together in her little book of dreams and has come up trumps. Of course I would live in a mud hut with my beautiful lady if she asked, but with her make-over in upping the allure of our cottage under Dromedary, sharing it with the woman I adore is even more blissful. Leigh has had to wait such an amount of time to bring her aspirations for the place to fruition. She was set to go a while back, but incorrect advice from an organisation designed to give the opposite, as well as some unfeeling bean-counters, cost her that start. But my darling is nothing if not determined, stoic and patient. She gritted her teeth, started afresh and finally made it happen. I was so in awe that she knew how to budget for such a process, saw it all come in within her parameters and then had the good taste to make it all work visually. She innately knew what would look right. Again, in this area, I proved I didn’t have a clue. Now there are only the trimmings to go. One of the endearing features of our home is the quirkiness of its imperfections, redolent of a time when constructions were put together by rule of thumb, not the tiny by-laws of petty bureaucracy. All this presented our contracted tradespeople with some challenges. Our builder, Peter was uncomplaining, bursting with good humour and was prepared to go the extra-mile for us. Our good mate Stefan was magnificent – working his way through a pluvial day making his built-ins plumb against floors, walls and ceilings that were anything but. It was Leigh, though, who pulled it all together. It was she who toiled, toiled and then toiled some more to make it the perfect transformation. The place is now almost as remarkable as she is. Each day I count my blessings that I am fortunate enough to continue to have her in my life. And I have a new man-cave!

Month 2 -There has been a homecoming that has bought with it an immense joy to this old scribbler. My beautiful, talented daughter and my gloriously brave-hearted granddaughter have left the candy pink house up north and returned to their inner Hobs’ mint green semi-detached. Since then I have taken to going on weekly ‘adventurings’ with the beloved duo, revelling in the inquisitiveness with which Tiges explores the city – it certainly has such a ‘wow’ factor for her. After doing so there is always an extra spring in my step and zing in my heart. The little one fought so desperately to be in this world and now she sucks it in for all she is worth. My daughter, so courageously stoic during that testing time, is proving an equally capable mother and to me they are both incredible beyond words. I am so proud of them both.

tess images

Month 3 – My son has settled into a new life in the little haven of Bridport with his partner Shan. The north-eastern coastline is as stunning as any other on this island of sublime beauty, with the pair of them giving me the opportunity next year of exploring it more intimately. I was thrilled when they announced that they were off to do some adventuring of their own, with a corresponding request for me to house/pet sit for them. One of my retirement dreams was to retreat to a small Tasmanian seaside community. That didn’t happen, but the dream I am living at present more than makes up for that – but thanks to the generosity of my son and his Shan, I will have a six week taste of that in the new year. And I get to renew my acquaintance with Oscar and Leopold, as well as their new addition, Memphis. And to think of the sights they will see, the people they will meet and the stories they will tell during and after their return from a European odyssey!

Month 4 – A trip to Mangoland was rich and rewarding. Reconnecting with a dear friend; reconnecting with a dear sister and brother-in law was like having gold dust in the life blood. My sister took me to see whales and plied with with fabulous news of her offspring – moments I’ll treasure. And the sun shone – it shone and shone and shone!

Month 5 – The year provided inspirations for opinion pieces and stories a plenty. As for the latter there was a room with a view and a waitress who served me a beer; there was a competent travel agent and a Sheffield party goer – just to feature a few. Of course my blog-savvy daughter and my partner’s discerning eye have been paramount in encouraging me to keep doing something I love, something that I have no doubt will continue to add gloss to my retirement years – arranging words on paper and transcribing them into the cybersphere.

Month 6 – Again the year produced much to tantalise in fine reads, cinema experiences, hits on the small screen and sublime music – stay tuned for the Top 10s! Nothing, though, moved me more than the power of the words Richard Flanagan put together to write ‘ The Narrow Road to the True North’. It was a book that constantly took my breath away. I only wished I had read it before I shook the author’s hand at his local launch – but, then again, I probably would have done a Marieke Hardly and simply been lost for words such was the impact it had on me. It also gave me immense pleasure shaking the hand of Richard’s brother Martin, having a chat with him to boot. His writings continued to delight through 2013.

Month 7 – As did my daughter’s. No book this year – the next due out in the new one. But her bloggings, haikus, poetry and ponderings of the joys of life with the Tiges continued to delight. She wrote lovingly of our trip to Wrest Point to see two Aussie knockabout music stars sing their hearts out from the great country songbook – the highlight of the live performances I attended. Adam Hills and the RocKwiz crew also came up with rollicking great shows as well.

Month 8 – All those countless cappuccinos in watering holes all around Oz are now a thing of the past as my beautiful Leigh has inadvertently introduced me to the appeal of a flat white.

Month 9 -The user-friendly joys of digital photography have turned even me into someone who can produce images of which to be quietly proud. The one, though, in the wider family who truly has ‘the eye’ is my Leigh’s daughter’s husband. This young man is quite amazing in his many capabilities relating to manly manual skills, but his prowess, his sensitivity to capture an indelible moment is equal to any I have seen. One of his latest efforts – a set of images of his son, the Little Ford Man, exploring the marvel of a play tunnel in his local park encapsulated perfectly the thrill of discovering a new experience – just one of the many reasons we all so admire Keith, as well as being so entranced by LFM.

lfm01

Month 10 – On that one day in September I was high up in the air, deliberately oblivious to the events at the ‘G. On landing I soon discovered the mighty Hawks had prevailed. The victory, hard fought and gritty against a Dockers unit not at their best (although the same could be said for Hawthorn), but scratchily persistent nonetheless, was not as emotive for me as ’08. Back then I wanted it so much for my brown and gold loving daughter, who was too young for the glory years. I like the fact that they are the only team to win premierships in each decade since the Sixties, with the hope that, with them achieving the holy grail in this one, I will be able to relax. Maybe in the new year I may be able to actually watch some of their games. If there is justice, ’14 should be the year of the Purple Haze’.

Month 11 – I yet again give thanks that Willie, Leonard, Jimmy, Guy and Archie are still with us.

Month 12 – I thank She up there for the love of a mother. I thank Her for the constancy of convivial companions through life – family, neighbours and friends. By the river this existence is so sweet. I want it to go on and on and on – thanks to the wonder that is Leigh.

tess and poppy